Day 277 of 365
I often don’t realize how primal we are as humans but each day I am making an effort to recognize the subconscious ways in which I act. Addressing fear and insecurities. Much of which serve no purpose but pain. What does an insecurity or a fear protect you from? I mean emotional fears, not oh I’m afraid of heights it protects me from dying. I’m talking about the fear of starting your own business, being afraid to tell someone you love them because it will make you look weak, being afraid to let go of a grudge. I think this constant state of fear based decision making is draining and when we launch our selves into things we are afraid of and address these fears we grow. This growth is what I’m after. It’s not always easy to figure out what you need to grow but I have a feeling it takes the shape of fears often.
To kind of explain this and how it relates to my life, I have to take you back about 5 or 6 years ago. My parents used to hang out with a big group of couples, the guys would play poker about twice a month and they did this for like 8 years it was the best time of my life growing up with their kids and seeing seemingly healthy adult friendships. They no longer play poker because of their pride. They let arguments and now judgment of others keep them away from each other. They all demanded respect but gave none in return like each one was some superior being. It still is entirely he said she said drama bullshit. They’re all good people and I know not all good things last forever.
It’s okay to part ways but you don’t need to part ways with an explosion. It feels weird when I see some of these people now. These people were once were such an influence in my life, and having grown up without a father it felt awesome to learn about sports, and poker, and just be a kid around a bunch of dads for a little bit. Luckily I’m still close with a few of these guys but from seeing this situation I’ve learned what insecurity does to grown men who have never addressed their insecurities while they were younger. It was such a primal reaction for most of these guys to get upset and part ways. They couldn’t see the good these times did for us all when we were kids. Regardless of the outcome, I wouldn’t change a thing. I learned the importance of communication. Addressing what upset you in conversation, giving respect and expecting nothing in return, and being secure with yourself is a great way to guide you through your adult life. Not drama, talking shit and being insecure.
Lately, I have been trying to see beyond the immediate dopamine my brain receives from cheap actions. I want a happy life and I think that involves some level of discomfort in order to grow. I hope later in life as these issues will arise that I handle them like an adult with love and security and not the opposite.