Holy shit this morning was off to such an amazing start till I met a guy named Penis.
There’s a lot of coffee shops in my neighborhood but only one that’s really tiny, really quiet, has wifi, and street parking that coincides with the Tuesday, Friday parking ban of my street.
So when I can’t park on my street I go to that coffee shop for two and a half hours to get work done.
That didn’t happen at all today.
I made an extensive and time scheduled to do list last night.
With hopes of getting some reading and some emailing done at the coffee shop I was abruptly introduced to a gay man named Penis.
Obviously a nickname his real name was Erik and he was extremely nice, but also extremely loud.
Come to think of it everything about Penis was extreme.
He was Excessively happy, boisterous, and I guess you could say he lacked a filter but he had great intentions.
The only problem was his intentions were to talk about how he used to do meth and new bands I should check out while I was trying to write an email.
My blood was boiling but my face was smiling.
Who could resist Penis.
Nobody was free from his conversation. He introduced himself to every patron, and then he would circle back to me and go hey Atticus can I sit next to you again?
Sits before I can answer.
Do you have a minute?
Shows me a new band before I can answer.
Then Penis decided to tell me about his 1920’s broach collection and show me one made out of abalone.
I shit you not he told me he had more broaches and that he’d like to give me one.
And then he left.
Just like that, sprinted away.
I was like fuck, fuck, fuck, get some work done before he gets back hurry send the fucking email.
Penis swore a lot too and it kinda rubbed off on me this morning.
5 minutes later who shows up with broaches for me as a gift?
So you see my conflict.
On one hand this guy is the sweetest most jubilant person I’ve ever met and on the other hand my to do list is like hey fucker it’s already 10am. Unfortunately I do not have a picture of Penis to show you guys. I left my phone at home because it's extremely distracting to me when I am trying to get work done, but guess what, I do have the broaches he gave me.
Please see below.
Never work in a coffee shop without headphones.
No one talks to someone with headphones on.